In his lap, big, meaty fingers wrapped themselves around the fist he ground into his palm.
And then, permission. The dirty laundry was aired. They were the nicest words a boy had said to me in some time. It took him another hour to kiss me. Above each puncture wound, words came into focus. One evening, after my shift, my father showed up to drive me home, an uncommon occurrence as it would have meant his leaving work early. He came back a few weeks later to borrow some DVDs.Florida. Each page bled like the nameless victim of a knife-happy psychopath.
As far as first loves go, it was about as irrational a manifestation as one might expect though, in my defense, he looked no more than seventeen at the time. We’d been introduced a few months prior, in a rehearsal studio converted out of a shuttered Wawa convenience store, both of us clutching freshly Xeroxed copies of the libretto to Fiddler on the Roof. I wanted him to feed me. Alan Arkin's "Little Murders" is a very New York kind of movie, paranoid, masochistic and nervous. Each breath grew more intent, as if steeling himself for an attack. I’d trust he wouldn’t run. To put me in my place. Not this one. Between my fingers, he’d close his eyes and go somewhere else. I could even believe his house in a neighboring town meant more than just coincidence. Not only because I knew so little myself but also because it never dawned on me that this was something that begged an explanation. While, for me, it wouldn’t happen overnight, I’d slowly come to understand that there’s nothing to be felt without feeling. It was incomparably slick. At times it is all we can do to outrun it, hoping that the wind to our front will keep the vapor at our backs.I went to Washington at eighteen to exchange ideas and bodily fluids. That what I’d done to him was worse than death.For the accidental offender, distance is often a logical next step after time served. To my surprise, however, computer access remained unrestricted and, as such, easily exploited. He’d ask for my stats: age, height, weight, length, body type, body hair, preferences, positions, kinks, limits.
Private affirmations.
And, between heaves, he was short and to the point.Over and over, he repeated it as if wishing it away, me away. Though home looks almost normal through eyes readjusting to the light, punishing clarity is inescapable. There had been no way to predict or prepare for this and, from my perch, it was all I could do to hug my knees closer.
Patsy makes her life in New York a happy one, according to her, by consuming fashionable possessions, places and opinions. We watched Date Night on his couch (how very meta).
“You’re the best,” he wrote. Each innocent admission slashed with thick crimson as the chronology of my sweetheart correspondence blanketed the tabletop. The little murders are written in our reflections.
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Little Murders meaning